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The Online No Bull Collection

arse 2 arse

Hi Mick,
As you can see I do a lot of squats, and my ass is getting rather big. Can you advise me on what to do? Should I carry on squatting or stop? I would like your thought a on my situation as I respect your opinion whatever it will be. What would you do?

Dear Jeanne,
Hmnnn, what would I do? Well for a start, and if you do not want to get any bigger, I would certainly, well, er, ease up on those squats for a while, maybe a couple of decades in order that things, sort of balance up a little bit! You see, if you squat deep BUT bend to much from the waist (like in a forward trunk bend) with weight on, this can build your ass a little too much. With the picture that you have sent me, I can see that you must have been squatting with either your car on your back or a couple of horses! Fucking hell girl, that is some squatting power.
However, there are many opportunities open to you with an ass like that which I will list for your perusal:
1. You could come over to my house where I will examine your glutes with great interest; being a professional, and my job, I could ‘slap” (with a shovel) a couple of ideas together for your to consider!!
2. You could also get a well paid job in a motorbike parking lot, ensuring that the person sticking his front wheel in the crack of your ass, that their bike will be there when they get back from shopping. Or finally.........
3. Get a job as a security officer in some BIG assed shopping mall! Anyone having to pass through the crack of your ass, and getting caught, will NOT get away! But, would they want to?
BUTT, er I mean, so, consider the thoughts and let me know when you are coming over, er, have decided if I can help!
Gotta go and shower now love - shit it’s hot!
Mick Hart

Hello Mick,
I'm in my late thirties and rather large - 5'10" and 18 stone (250+lbs). I was thinking of getting fit and turning my flab into muscle before I end up looking like a fat old git! Would it be worth my while joining one of these flash gyms or could I do it at home? I drive a truck for a living so do a lot of sitting down! My arse is spilling over my cab's seat! Do any of these vitamins and stuff help? I know I should give up the fry-ups before I have a heart attack!
Any advice welcome.

Dear Fat Old Git,
Flash gyms are OK if you are FLASH - but what do you want - flash or results? Training at home can be as good as or even better. OK, you have to motivate yourself even harder, but that is what it is all about. It’s no good starting if you don't mean to carry on - agree?
I know that people around you can be an inspiration, but looking in the mirror and seeing an up and coming fat arsed heart attack is ALL the drive that anyone could want. Do it for yourself and get a basic training kit bought and start from the beginning.
Ok so you drive a truck, but you have to stop some time, and so when you do make sure that it is near a gym. Training can help, but if you want to be a success, then I am afraid that training HAS to become part of your life. There is no other way. Vitamins and supplements will help, but that is all they will do - help! You have to do the rest and kick arse and get the job done.

See now how important nolvadex really is? The guy who tried to nibble these, lost his moustache


Hey Mick,
I'm no serious bodybuilder or anything but I do go to the gym 3 times per week and I wondered whether Fat Burners would do me any good. I'm not overweight exactly but I do need to shift some love handles!
Aaron G.

Wassssssup Aaron,
Anything that will help break up the fat has got to be a good thing. Bearing in mind that all of these "fat burning assistors" work better when the body is in a state of "fat breakdown" - meaning that you are working out or on a diet at least. You have to help them along. We are a long way from the tablet that just knocks it all off and leaves you totally in shape.
Kick ass mate and get training. BUT remember, love handles are handy. Want to know how you can make your missus really go for it on a love making night? Go into the doggy position, hold onto HER love handles and JUST before you blow your lid - CALL HER ANOTHER NAME!! Boy, you will see then that LOVE HANDLES are very handy! Then fuck off pretty quick! Till then, here is a picture of some burning nipples to help you on your way! Why? Dunno!

Dear Mick,
Since I stopped boxing I've been hitting the weights pretty hard. I made quite good progress to start with going from 170 pounds to about 205 pounds over the first 18 months (with a little help of course). However this seems
to have stopped and I’ve been about 205-210 for the last 6 months. I have two main questions.

1. I eat a good diet, and try to get all my carbs and protein from proper food, as I'm not overly keen on the shakes. However I have found that because I've put on a bit of muscle I need to eat a fair bit. Unfortunately as my appetite is not huge I find it difficult enough eating to stay the same size never mind put more muscle on. Ideally I'd like to bulk up to about 17st then try and harden up and drop to around 16.5st - I should look pretty awesome then. Do you know of any ways, either natural or not, to push my appetite up or slow the metabolism down. I find that the gear doesn’t do much to increase my appetite - my favorites are Winstrol base, with Drive and Prima depot to inject. Also.................
2. I am very strong on my shoulders and triceps. I can military press 105kg but my flat bench is crap by comparison at 115kg. I find that my delts and tri’s take over a lot when benching and my chest doesnt get much out of it.
As a result I have no big movement for my chest and it is lagging behind a bit. I do lots of other exercises to try and make up - flyes,pullovers, dips, dumbell work but unfortunately it isnt working. We have only got free weights and benches at college (typical rugby gym) - so do you have any ideas. Thanks Mick

Hey Paul,
Smaller, more regular meals will help if you are struggling to get the calories in mate. As for the alternatives, well I know that B12 jabs used to make my appetite go through the roof but after a while, it slowed down as I got used to it. Using them every so often helped, but I was not that impressed to be honest.
Also, I bet that your metabolism is still through the roof, tends to happen with the type of training boxing gives you. Like a training routine, you will have to get into a ROUTINE with your eating in order to get up there with the big ‘uns mate. However, from 17st down to 16.5, well there will not be much hardening with only 7lbs loss I can tell you.
The gear? Although you prefer the winny and primo I would still add either a shot of testoviron enanthate or sustanon which will not bang to much water on if any especially with such a small amount. In fact your strength will go up and may also help to lower your bodyfat levels a little. It does with me quite well. Put the test in with a shot of deca at the beginning of the week and then the winny every third day. That will do the job.
As for the strength differences i.e. delts v chest, that is to be expected because of your boxing training. A lot of the strength will be in your delts because of the punching power - as you will know. Do not force the changes, take it in your stride and instead of trying to force push heavy weights on the chest, go for the increased reps and gradually the strength will come back in a more equal and balanced manner. This I guarantee.

Dear Mick,
Does it make any difference to the effectiveness of gear whether it's swallowed (pills) or injected? I've never tried the gear before and have been offered some at my gym.
G. Naoim,

Hi Mate,
Well they are different in ways that the injection is directly into the muscle and of course more or less quicker but not necessarily more effective. People are so different.
Tablets take that bit longer but are AS effective. However, they are passed through the bodies filtration system and of course are distributed that way. Some say that the tabs are more toxic than jabs but that is not necessarily so in all cases. It depends a lot on the amounts anyway.
That is why dosages HAVE to be taken steadily no matter what arseholes tell you to take LOADS without pyramiding. remember, once it is in, you have gotta wait till it comes out and that can take a bit of time.

Hi Mick,
Yeah I am writing you because I have been on this low carb-high protein diet. For about 2 months now I have lost 30lbs from it and I am really pleased with the results so far. I am a discus thrower and I am use to spending a lot of time in the weight room my main purpose in there was always to build some size and I always focused on low repetitions with high resistance but since this year I am out of track for a year I decided to drop some weight and improve my appearance. Right now I am interested in working out to gain a more ripped appearance I basically have three questions :
1. Do you think in my situation that the low carb-high protien diet is ideal?
2. If I am on this low carb diet and am interested in improving my muscular definition could I start doing more repitions in my workouts or would it be best to keep the weight up and work on building the definition after i complete the 12 weeks?
3. Do you think that excessive amounts of running are counter productive on the low carb diet?
I am trying to put a weight room cardio vascular work out program that is compatable with my diet or if my diet is not ideal for accomplishing these results i would like to go to one that would be better. I would really appreciate any advice I can get and I am glad that there are people like you out there who have the experience to give me any advice that will help me. Thanks for your time

Hey Mate,
1. Yes the low carb diet can work quite well, but be aware of the weight loss as it can get to far - keep a good eye on the progress and watch your weight especially. Up the carbs when workouts get to hard to get through.
2. I would keep the weights up and work on building definition at a later date. Personally, I prefer to stay with 10-12 reps on ALL aspects of training, size or definition. Remember it is the diet that rips you up not so much the reps, although the increased reps act similar to aerobic exercise, but the burn rate is not really that fast.
3. Yes definitely because it can rob the body of protein and therefore muscle tissue. Don’t do to much or you will find that you WILL get ripped and a lot smaller too! Not my preferred solution.

It Fits Now You Shall Be My Princess

Dear Mick,
I am enquiring about a form of Dianabol from Thailand that my friend has brought over. He got it from his brothers mate who I trust implicitly. He got it from a genuine pharmacist over there. I believe it is real, but I need you to verify them.
They are called Dianabol DS (?) I believe and they are 10mg in size and made into the shape of a heart. Are you aware of them? Have you tried them at all?
Genuine Anon

Dear Genuine,
I remember the phone conversation that we had about this and I have to put this in writing as I promised I would. In the first place, I want you to read the article entitled, “Anadrol Hell”, this is important.
The second point is that if you are so sure of your source, then why are you asking me? Think! If your brothers best mate of his uncle’s great grandad's mates brother-in-law’s aunties friend says it is real, are you really that sure of their genuinity? Are you really? Let me help you a little more.
Why the fucking hell should they make Dianabol in the shape of a heart? Why? Beats the shit outta me let me tell you! Why a heart? Why not a prick or a horse, maybe a fish! Doe these silly points ring any alarm bells - if not they should!
Another fact. I have no doubt that Dianabol CAN be made in 10mg tablets, but I have not yet seen them - ever! Why not 20’s or 25’s? Again, any bells ringing here mate?
People call me, they write and e-mail too, but they do this for a reason - the replies that they get are NO BULL!! If you choose to ignore this advice, then that is your choice. Otherwise it really is a waste of time contacting me in the first place. My priority is your safety, your supplier is obviously showing his true priorities and that, in my opinion is towards fucking you up!
If I am wrong, then I would take it on the chin. I honestly don’t think that I am. To many bells here mate. Hi! I'm hoping you can respond as I seem to be out of luck for answers. And definitely the pharmaceutical people have zero reply except negative.

Dear Mick,
I wanted to know if the amounts of anabolic steroid excreted in semen and then say ingested or absorbed vaginally, are significant enough to effect a woman. (as though she were taking small amounts).
I have started breaking out albeit especially on my back, shoulders, chest and albeit on the face. I've never been like this in my life. My boyfriend takes Deca and Dianabol (I believe are the names).
Is it possible that I am inadvertently taking anabolic steroids through my boyfriends excretions?
The only answer I received from pharmacists was, "Well when your boyfriend has liver disease and a heart attack from taking steroids meant for large animal use only, then you won't have to worry anymore!!"
Any info is appreciated,
Val, via e-mail (name changed for obvious)

Dear Tina,
First of all, for a pharmacist and I suppose a scientist, all I can say that he is a total, 100% unequalled TWAT for not having the least bit of concern. Please tell him from me will you? What a jerk off!
In a word - yes it can actually do this, but it wont harm you in any way really, although the spots and stuff can be a pain. The amount of testosterone that you will be getting is really quite small, but obviously affecting you as it is. It will have been filtered quite a lot before it gets to you. If any more problems occur or get worse, then you will have to confront your guy before it gets any worse.
Be straight with him. The only other thing, of course, is to use condoms which will sort out the problem straightaway.
Don’t want to be a Marjorie Proops here, but if he won’t wear a condom and comes back with something like, “well I am not giving up blah, blah”, simple, tell him to fuck himself love! He will get his own back then - if you will pardon the pun!

(PS. Sorry about the joke pic Val).

Dear Mick,
What is it with all of this “muscle enhancing” stuff that I hear about of late? They apparently inject it into a muscle group like the arms and BOOM, same day or next day they are an inch or two bigger. What is it? Does it work? Is it dangerous?
I have heard it is like a jelly of some kind, is this true?
I was wondering if I could use it in my day to day training as it would give my shit arms a bit of a boost.
Any help would be appreciated Mick.
Gibbo, via e-mail

Dear Gibbo,
Honest opinion mate? Load of fucking shit! A lot are using it now for contests and are looking totally freaky yes, but they do not realise that ALL are laughing at them at the same time.
There are several types that really do different things and to be honest I do not know a great deal about them except for the fact that pumping silicone shit into the arms is a NO NO mate - period! No one knows what can happen in that or any area with stuf such as silicone. OK breast implants are, to me, bad enough, but an area that is constantly pumped, nahhh, no one knows what can happen mate. Pure bloody idleness it is. I work my arms hard, and at the end of the day I know that ALL of that work is mine, and not a rubbery substance. Yuk!
Some of these injections increase the amount of fluid in that area too. Now for a contest, it should look ripped, most just look a bag of water.

Steroids? A different matter. We have to train hard if we want them to work, if you are on the gear you will (or should) know this. Eating, sleeping, training, resting, you know, all these things go together to assist the gear. With injections like these, makes contest preparation a piece of piss to be honest.
Same goes for implants! Why bother being a bodybuilder when at the end of the day all you have to do (and some are now) have silicone muscles implanted into an area. Who wants to walk around like a fucking jelly baby eh? Those who have had them done and LIE ABOUT HOW HARD THEY HAVE TRAINED ought to be rubbed down with a wire brush and Dettol and dried off with a HOT hair dryer for their deeds. It gives us REAL bodybuilders yet ANOTHER bad name. Arseholes!!
Having said that, makes me wonder about a silicone dick! You could have an extension with a sort of radio controlled up and down switch! It would not matter then if you could not get a hard on - it would be there 24/7! Hmnn, removable NIPPLES!?! Now, where is that damn catalogue?


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